I’ve been thinking since quite a long while about writing this blog. I want to express my pain instead of letting it haunt me in the mind and internalize. But I don’t know what to express because I don’t know what my pain is. Somedays I wake up feeling dready with no direction in life. I have no vague idea of what to do with this time between my life and death. “Meaning \ purpose ” in life, I could never understand what this meant and neither could I live without understanding it. Maybe I can use some metaphor to explain how I feel. It’s like a coconut with no water, a plastic plant with no life, which is used a decoration, just to fill up room and to make it look vibrant, just how we all know, it has no significance, it exists because otherwise the room would look empty. In similar manner, I do things to fill up the void I experience, to give life to an animation, to feel the abundance of life.
It has always been difficult for me to involve into life and enjoy it. My life feels agile, inconsistent, unstable and lost. People called me lazy, restless minded, monkey minded, unfocused, indecisive, irresponsible, irregular, and playful. I believe everything they say because I possess those qualities, I should rather say I suffer those qualities. I don’t try hard enough is what I feel. I could not achieve anything in my life because I’ve never worked hard. I felt someone has gifted me these previliges that I don’t deserve, an opportunity I can’t make use of, and a life I can’t make sense of.
I wonder how scientists explain space, because it is literally nothing. If somewhere the earth exists is space, then somewhere I exist is emptiness. I don’t even have enough linguistic ability to explain it. Because ” being nothing is my pain” and my pain is something. But how can something (pain) come out of nothing. How can existence come out of inexistence. My mind is clogged and cluttered with chaos. Why will we have motivation to do anything if nothing makes us happy. We distract ourselves with social media, with denial, with distortions,with the wordly possessions, with pleasure and with entertainment. (Note : This is not rational , this is merely my expression of how I feel and this doesn’t imply anything in reality). In simple words, it’s as if we watch a movie because we are bored. It’s so frustrating to not be able to explain why you are sad, because your sadness is nothingness. We don’t have to explain anything to anyone, but wouldn’t it be so relieving to express the wilderness in the head.
Most of the things don’t feel worthwhile, they just pass time and life. Imagine a hollow cylindrical pipe we use to transport water, it’s hollow inside and it doesn’t have any significance without water flowing through it. It’s just a round piece of plastic. Nothing can fill that void because anything that comes in through one side, escapes through the other. Many people have been trying to help me find meaning in my life, but every time I take thier help, I fail them and it makes me feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That I lack a source of motivation, a source of the self, a source that drives our lives, a soul.
I’m still not satisfied in writing this post because I’m still not able to express what it is…and it is going to be like this, for a painfully long time. I was startled when my therapist said I’m choosing to be in pain, I’m choosing to be in this state of dread, this melancholy, because, if this is absent, there is nothing else that is present.