Before you read: This was written in an epiphanic moment, while my bladder was full, waiting to take the urine test at a clinical lab. It was first shared as an instagram post in my personal profile. Now, here we go. There are errors and mistakes. I didn’t bother to edit as I wanted this to be imperfect, in its raw, unscripted form. Please play the song at the end of the post for the complete audio-visual experience this writing tries to aim at.
This is a long-ass post. I am not usually a person who writes in social media. But I used to be.
Now, I fear judgements from people. I feel their eyes peering onto me. But i can finally say fuck you to that tiny little negativeoli voice in my head and all those who strive to make it believable.
This past year was the most I have suffered in my journey of unstable emotional saga. I have been invalidated by friends and family alike “You are just overthinking, take a chill pill” to “Do you know the state of kids in <insert random African country> ? They are struggling to survive. You are privileged enough to eat and sleep under a roof. Your problems doesn’t come anywhere closer to theirs.” These exasperating invalidations confused me, guilt tripped me, I felt gaslighted as my reality was being questioned. I felt guilty of feeling depressed and anxious. I tried every method to shut the voice in my mind. From watching series marathon to early sprints in the morning. But it would always come back like a stubborn infection. There were times when I would try to read a sentence and won’t be able to understand. I would cry as I tried for hours to decipher but my anxiety blurred my cognition. I wouldn’t be able to listen to conversations, I will lose track of thoughts and wouldn’t understand anything. I wouldn’t have anything to say as I am stuck on one utterance. I feel I am a moron. I just couldn’t understand I had a challenging mental health. Even when I know there are people who love me, it felt hard to trust that love. I doubted everything. I felt like a burden that exhausted everyone’s energy. I constantly blamed myself for my shortcomings, for my slow thinking, for my sudden emotions. For crying. I just couldn’t see happiness in little or big things. I felt guilty of falling sick, my physical health tried to mimic my broken self. I had psychosomatic symptoms. I spent half of my time in hospitals, clinics consulting doctors, doing tests. It took me so many fucking years to realise I have anxiety and depression! It took me many a years to seek help, to go for therapy, to take medication.
But then there have been friends and family who stood by me through my darkest phase. They comforted me, told me they understand what I am going through. That it shall pass. Be it good or bad, everything passes. This year was extraordinary. I can only remember being at peace for roughly 10 weeks. The rest of the days I was drowning in my pool. It was a shitty year but also a year where I achieved big and little things. I got financially independent, I sought help, I witnessed beautiful weddings and companionship. I have begun to empathise my emotions, my pain and suffering. I made new friends. I fell in love, again!
Depression and Anxiety is a chronic illness. Treat it like any other physical ailment. “You cannot invent your own symptoms.” Trust what you feel, don’t let the stigma doubt your reality.