Worthless, useless, and hopeless. These are the words I use to describe myself briefly. I don’t know when it all started, the negative voice inside me, which keeps whispering into my ears about how useless of a person I am. I think our inner voice decide our self esteem or maybe the other way around. Whenever I can’t do a small task I feel worthless, incapable, lazy and unambitious. I wonder where this comes from, where did it all begin, and when? Is there a way out? Can I ever be happy with myself ?can I ever stop hating myself ? My inner voice doesn’t let me do that. I’ll try to describe how it feels to be worthless.
Let me start with what happened one week ago, I’ve decided to wake up early in the morning and go for a jog. On the first day, I woke up very enthusiastic and picked up my friends along the way to accompany me through the jog. We all started jogging, 300 meters was my stamina, thereafter I felt drained and weak, just when my co- jogger overtook me. My inner voice started whispering it’s evil thoughts into me, ” look how weak you are, look at how he’s jogging, doesn’t he feel as tired as you? Yes, he does, but he keeps moving forward and refuses to give up, apparantly you don’t do it because you are so sensitive and weak minded with poor discipline ! You can never become as strong as he is, he is going to become successful because of his attitude and you will fail in life because of your attitude, what a loser! “. This is just a small jog, deep inside I know it won’t determine who I become, yet to me it looks like a big failure and it points out my inability. I returned home after finishing the jog, and I slept again. ” What’s the point of jogging then?” My mom questioned me. I did not have an answer.
On the second day, I could jog upto 400 meters, yes I made progress but what could only see was that he was still ahead of me, he overtook me again. I realised what the problem was. It wasn’t my inability, it was comparison, comparing myself with every person I encounter, but I don’t know how to stop it. Eventually, the third day, I quit jogging. Whatever the task is, the same inner voice repeats itself and holds me back. Let’s consider the scenario where I made it somehow. I was offered a job when no one else in my circle could manage to get one ( since we are not yet graduated, getting is job is considered as an achievement), this is when my inner voice says ” some of your connections worked, it’s not your skills, it’s recommendations, you haven’t achieved anything “. But the truth is, my boss considered me because he was confident in my abilities. This takes me to one of my biggest questions.
” Why do people believe in me when I don’t believe in myself ? “. To be honest, people around me always believed I would become something, that I’m capable of success and achievements, that I’ll reach heights in my life, but, I never believed it. When anyone tells me ” you’ll be successful, you are smart / intelligent ” I disbelieve thier words. Because to me , I’m just another loser and a useless son to my mom who refuses to help her with any chores around the house. It creates immense pressure to me when they expect something out of me because I don’t think I can do it, I don’t think I can love upto thier expectations, I don’t believe I’m as good as they believe me to be. Others believe in me more than I ever believed in myself, I just don’t see any value in me, in any way. When someone says “you’ll become something “, I’ll actually feel scared to talk to them again because I feel I’ll become nothing in life, I’ll never be successful and I won’t even be living a happy life. It sucks more than anything, really! Nothing hurts more than hating yourself. I feel stuck, I don’t what to do next or atleast I don’t have a direction. With all these thoughts, I just can’t live peacefully. I don’t know if this is ever going to end, it’s like an infinate loop intertwined within myself.
Manastva 