It all started when my dream girl had turned down my love proposal 6 months ago. It was heart wrenching and painful, I could not digest the fact that all of my dreams and fantasies were burnt down into ahses. It broke me mentally, emotionally and psychologically. I fell into severe depression, it felt as if someone pushed me off of the cliff into to a never ending spiral of misery and agony. I neither had the guts to confess my feelings to her, I was afraid she would turn furthuer away from me, nor I had the mental toughness to absorb the pain and act normal as if nothing had ever happened at all. My life became tragic, people around me couldn’t understand my pain. “She doesn’t even love you, you had never spent any time together, she doesn’t want you, why do you cry for someone who doesn’t care about you? “. I did not have an answer, I was just broke, and I couldn’t explain why. I couldn’t think of a way to express my pain, I was stuck, helpless and hopeless. It took a month’s time for me to realise I’m suffering depression.
I developed a deep sense of worthlessness for not being to win a girl’s heart, and I started hating myself for not being able to forget her, for being clingy, for begging for her love, for prioritising her over every other thing in my life. She was the only dream I wanted to pursue, she was the only quest of my life, she was the only solace I could think of, her love was everything to me, she was the only thought kept running through my mind all day long, which eventually crushed my heart like a rose under the feet.
Lonliness overshadowed the light in my life, I felt alone, as if I’m a corpse who’s soul has left it in a vast and endless emptiness, alone in a huge planet like vormir from endgame. Void, dark,lifeless, and everything felt empty. All of my capabilities and character faded out. My grades fell down, so did my slef esteem. I lost focus on career, so did on myself, I developed a sense of inferiority when everyone around me looked so happy and talented, it seemed as if they were sucking the juice out of life and enjoying every moment and there I was crying my heart out to the evening skies. I felt I was nothing, I believed this was my downfall, my sunset, my loss of control over life, my 100th spiral down into emptiness. I saw no value in me. ” I’m not talented, not smart, not hardworking, not disciplined, and ugly. ” Were all the remarks I imposed on myself. I felt I was a failure, a bad student, a weak being, and emotional fool who cared for a girl more than anything else. The only cure to my pain was her love, nothing or no one could replace the feeling.
I wanted some relief, a break from my endless stream of anxious thoughts, a smile, a ray of hope but ocean of tears and self blame. “This is it, this is how strong I am, this is my ture self, this is how the rest of my life will be, this is how useless of a person I’m to the world” my mind yelled. My future felt terrifying, miserable and totally useless. I started drinking alcohol to escape, but some how I understood it was a trap I’m letting myself into. Ironically, I was already in many traps I couldn’t identify by myself. I was in the midst of a huge mess, that is when I realized somewhere, someday while chasing someone else, I lost myself, I stumbled upon my own feet and fell flat on my face. Reality slapped at my face like a women being cheated upon slapping her boyfriend. It was excruciating. “What am I ? Useless piece of crap?”
Remember the monster we used to be afraid of in our childhood? That monster crippled into my thoughts.My porn consumption dramatically multiplied, it was my escape form the pain, the more pain, the more porn, the more porn, the more guilt, the more the guilt, the more porn to cope up with the shame. It was going on and on in endless cycles, each the cirlce grew wider. Eventually, everything took me to the beginning again, to porn. I became addicted, I became a slave, very soon I couldn’t pass a day without watching it, and it happened in bigger and bigger spirals as days passed on. Luckily, I controlled myslef from alcohol. But porn became a bigger monster I couldn’t take control of. Any small erotic scene in the tv, a post on the social media, I would close the doors and watch porn. The guilt was bigger than I could handle. I felt disgusting about my own character and morals, which again lead to more pain and more porn. My urges were controlling me, there was not one positive thought in my head that I could rely upon. Darkness, worthlessness, lonliness, and emptiness everywhere. I isolated myself from every friend I felt inferior of, I wanted solitude, not to recharge, but to cry, to feel worthless, to run away from reality, to watch porn. I became obsessed with it as soon as I explored my traumas form my childhood. I felt ashamed, perverted, criminal and Maniac. All of these again took me to the starting point . I became so demeaning and frustrated of myself. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I didn’t understand what was causing the obsession.
I was brainstormed with so many questions about the sexual obsession, control, deprivation, unavailability and why it happens ? What causes rapes, affairs , and abuse? My mind was cluttered with doubts. It went on for weeks until one day I got insights about the sexual abuse I had gone through in my childhood. It was shocking to me to realise I’ve been sexually abused, I did not remember the slightest of it. Within seconds my brain was stormed with all the memories of my abuse. I can still relive the experience I had. It felt enormously huge that I thought to myself my brain would explode. I began to suffocate, I couldn’t breathe… I ran out the house and fell on my keens and took a deep breath, my head was aching, my heart was beating like an emergency siren, It was too difficult for me to handle. It took a few minutes of meditation for me to get back to normal stage.
To escape my inferiority, worthlessness, stress, anxiety, remorse, in simple words to escape any form of pain, I used porn. It became my coping mechanism and then the cycle of addiction began.
Later on, after being aware of the thoughts my brain has suppressed deep down in my sub conscious, I also learnt that I live in fantasies more than reality, just to escape the severity of the real world. After much chaotic struggle, today here I am sharing my story to start my journey to recovery. After having a devastating past, I will to build an empowering future.
Manastva 