I have changed, I have evolved. From a place where it felt like standing in midst of a muddy pool, looking around I saw dirt on myself and on everything around me, it felt this was the only place I knew. I had no idea on what resources I could use to get out of this dirt, clean myself up and where it would lead me next.

The place felt so familiar to leave and go. I started having a few realisations and acknowledging that this wasn’t working for me, I deserved better. I took a chance, and it felt like the biggest leap of my life and the most scariest one. To be honest about what I wanted, how I would like to see myself and to be that person without guilt. Small steps led to bigger ones. And each small step such as even expressing my viewpoint in conversations, felt like a turmoil of emotions in my heart initially.

Am I stupid, am I relevant here, I better say nothing than be wrong, I can upset them. But I took chances. The results from those small steps were bigger than I had envisioned. I started seeing how my opinions were influential in making better decisions for myself and those connected to me. I saw my strong traits roll out, on how good I was at actually figuring things out, how rigorously committed I was to the things I put my heart into, how I was courageous in taking risks and though labelled irrational for this trait in the past, I started seeing and voicing out on how good I actually am. This outer voice turned into my inner voice.

I did not bother about looking arrogant in front of others, this fear of being an extremely nice person by not voicing out did not work for me. I assured myself I was not arrogant in accepting my strengths, and living by it without guilt. Even though it sometimes hurt that the validation I was seeking from others didn’t come by, today I find even more joy on what I think of myself.

Other perspectives and views and welcome, but the most beautiful/enjoyable part today in making a decision is the self-talk I have. Because I know best what I want, I can figure out best what works for me.

One important decision I took for myself and which I strive to work forward, is to let my biggest enemy go off, FEAR. Right or wrong, those concepts which taught me to heave ‘fear’ is something I let go off one by one. Today I strive for feminism and accept atheism, simply because the other sides of these taught me nothing but fear as kid.

Amy